Alone

I was about thirteen when I had my first crush. He turned out to be a self-centered jerk. He was a year older than me, popular like hell for some reason. And I, of course, had to pick him out. The first time I was in love, took me two more years. Again someone popular (sad, typical nerd habit). But this time, not a jerk. He was nice, unaware of his looks and completely blind. Not literally, naturally. My point is; he didn’t see - me.

The funny thing is, when a guy is actually interested - I somehow manage to ruin it completely. I’m unintentionally mean to him, don’t recognize an invitation,.. You name it.

About two months ago, l fell in love with this amazing guy - let’s call him Travis. For the very first time I met someone who I wanted to know everything about me. I felt like I didn’t want to hide anything. Which is weird. Because on the one hand, I’ve never felt more comfortable with anyone like that before. But on the other hand, I often feel like I can’t be myself completely. I can’t let go and be me. Silly me. Rattling me. Childish me. I feel like I have to be grownup, serious and use big words that most people have to look up in dictionary’s. Like, when I’m myself he’ll see something he won’t like. That I’ll  make a fool of myself.

But why would I care? I doubt that he’s even interested in me. Yes, Travis  asked me out three times. Yes, he’s nicer to me than to other girls and accepts me more the way I am. At least - I think he does. But he also uses a bimbo on his invitation to a party with some friends - okay it could be considered as some lame male joke that women don’t get. Sure. But why does he post - on my birthday - a video about models on his blog? And then, when I talk to a other guy, five days later, he puts himself between us? I saw him walking on sunshine. He knew I was coming to see my friends play soccer. So why did he make all the trouble of coming to a match he could even participate in? To see his comrades? Probably. But why didn’t he stay watching on the players bench. I’m sure he could have, if he had wanted to.

One thing is clear. Men lie about themselves. First; they are complex - not simple. Second; they’re not consistent in their acts and words. God, why did you create them? If they didn’t exist, my self-esteem would rise and keep on rising. They are the reason why I’m labeled. They are the reason why I’m ‘alone’.

I'm sorry you guys - I'm having a bad day...

Love, Veronica.